At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
