Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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