I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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