You don't have asthma, your pregnant
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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