One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
