You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
