btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
