I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
