he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
