theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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