Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
