he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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