i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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