So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
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Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
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He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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