I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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