why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
