Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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