My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
