she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
