i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I didn't notice because vodka
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
