i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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