Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
