Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You need a sexual gate keeper
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
