Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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