Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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