my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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