I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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