oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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