She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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