oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
