I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
