For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
