You just made me feel so damn special
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
