man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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