Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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