I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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