I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
