she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Found the puke drawer
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
