bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
