Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
