Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
