i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
