I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
