Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
