I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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