my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
