i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
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Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
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Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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