I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
