Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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