I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
