1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
