why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
