Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
