You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Blood and glitter go together right?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
