I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Randomize
