I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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