At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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