He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
