Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
