Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This is my gift to your gina
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
