why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
