It's like a parade of train wrecks.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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