I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
