Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
